There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
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