I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
