1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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