idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
