Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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