apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
