i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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