i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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