once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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