Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
