Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
