Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
