i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
