marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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