Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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