Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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