Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
