question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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