I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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