come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize