here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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