Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
