shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
