fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
