Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
