She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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