Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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