another moral hangover. fuck.
that's an acceptable place to lick
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
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Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
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He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.