Can i not drive my cunt home
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.