I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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