I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
