im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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