worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
