I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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