I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
