positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
