my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
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I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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