new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
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There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon