If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.