I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon