there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
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Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
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Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME