how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested