At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
