I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
