Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
