My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
