i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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