dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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