You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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