Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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