We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
