I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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