the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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