She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
