Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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