I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So much rum. So many feels.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
