I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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