thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
