It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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