wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
