mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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