i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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