I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
