All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
