so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
