I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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